Lazy Sunday: Bottles and Models
Our friend Max was kind enough to write us this post. Check out his blog tons o’ guns, it’s definitely in our Google Reader/our regular blog rotation.
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Some years ago, R&B God-King Robert Sylvester Kelly released a song with lil’ Weezy called “make it rain,” once again spawning legions of imitators across the globe. Always an innovator, Kellz saw through conspicuous consumption and cut out the middle man. Throwing money away by throwing money away all over the dancefloor, or “making it rain” became a brief craze. Alas, the common man did not carry the making it rain movement forward through the difficult years to come. You see, that is one of the many attributes making R. Kelly different from an average person such as you. An average person can throw away money until they run out. R. Kelly is the monsoon. He may not always be making it rain on you, but you know that it’s somebody’s birthday tonight… Somewhere.
He also postulated an important causal relationship about the dynamics of bottle service as practiced in the contemporary upscale American club. Observe:
“Don’t get it twisted. You see, I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model. Then I order more bottles, now I got more models”
This relationship underlies the economics and philosophy not only of R. Kelly himself but several major cities. For example, over 100% of the import tonnage recorded reaching the port of Miami is dedicated to serving that city’s bottle and model industry. (Reliable sources inform me there is a minor discrepancy between the documented shipping into the port and what actually lands on the docks. How and why that occurs I must leave to your fruitful imagination.)
In any case, for the purpose of your edukation it’s critical to realize that this relationship can be expressed quantitatively. Note that Kellz’ lyric omits many details, because he is a “big picture” type of guy in all matters except those of the bedroom. For example, he knows models. More bottles means more bottles.
What if there are no models around? Do bottles summon new models? Not necessarily. Ever observed pitiful loners drinking alone, surrounded by bottles but with no models in sight? Sad, I know. You might have been one of those losers before you found the EDUKATORZ. The important point is that models are autocatalytic- the presence of one guarantees the appearance of more on accumulation of the proper fuel, but conversely many bottles can accumulate in the complete absence of models.
Let us assume that models increase as the square of bottles. This is expressed as the equation
Models = Kelly*n2
Where n is the number of bottles we poppin’ and Kelly is a constant pimp game correction factor with units of models per squared bottles. To defer the expense and logistical difficulties of developing a research center for the study bottles and models and calibration under controlled laboratory conditions, let us temporarily set this constant Kelly=1.
Thus, if n=1, we have one bottle and one model.
If n=2, we have two bottles and four models.
If n=3, we have three bottles and nine models.
According to your friend the Federal
Government of the United States of America, $253,000 was the average home sale price the year Kellz released this masterpiece to the world.
If we speak from experience and inform you that a bottle of top shelf liquor at a contemporary club in the elite class costs $400, gratuity included, your house is worth approximately n=632.5 bottles.
With six hundred thirty-two and one half bottles you can secure the affection of 400,056 models. (Plus one ugly skank at an exchange rate of 4 skanks per model)
The population of Miami was 380,625 souls at the turn of the millennium.
Thus, I have irrefutably proven that if you sell your house to pop bottles, the entire city of Miami, Florida will have sex with you.
The current forecast for Miami is partly cloudy with an 80% chance of SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET WEATHERMAN BOUT TO MAKE IT RAIN.
Consider yourself EDUKATED.
