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Dear Edukatorz,

Did u c our awesome bill 2 fix US economy? Chinas gonna b soooo pisssed, lulz! BTW r u still down 2 c real steel on fri?

xoxo,

The US Senate

Dear Senate,

While we are of course flattered that you are such fans of our humble blog, we really must insist that you get back to work on actual problems, like unemployment. Since we imagine that’s something of a reach, we’ll at least try and recommend some more constructive reading for you.

We assume your email is expressing self-satisfaction at the passage of Sherrod Brown‘s bill regarding currency manipulation. For those who don’t know, China’s currency is seriously undervalued -meaning their exports are cheaper than they should be – and for years there’s been much political grandstanding in Washington about forcing them to revalue it. Politicians enjoy this kind of bombast because it makes a convenient scapegoat for the failure of the US manufacturing sector and distracts from their inability to make any concerted effort to address the real problems. This means they are more likely to get elected again, which is good for politicians, because then they get to stay on TV and look important.

While China has, in fact, been allowing the value of the yuan to rise, the rhetoric against that nation’s central bank is considered by many to be an excellent distraction from our nation’s myriad economic woes. However, China isn’t very happy about being a scapegoat, and the Senate bill is already proving somewhat counterproductive. Caught up now, readers?

So, Senate, back to you. The Edukatorz have precisely two words for you: Smoot. Hawley. Capish? No, of course you don’t. We understand that Wikipedia has too many big words for your little heads to manage. We’ll try to break it down for you:

In 1929, a bad thing called The Great Depression started in the US, and eventually happened around the world. Stock markets crashed and that ruined all the other sectors of the economy and yes, you guessed it, everyone got very very depressed. And poor. So, in 1930, a Senator named Smoot and a Congressman named Hawley got together and decided it would be a good idea to protect American goods by raising tariffs against everyone else. They were mad about losing money, just like you, and they decided to blame foreigners just like you are blaming China.

Can you guess what happened next? A trade war. That’s what turned a teensy-weensy recession into The Great Depression. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen if you pull this kind of shit with China. And Senator Smoot and Representative Hawley? They lost their re-election campaigns! Think about it.

What’s that? Oh, it’s never getting to the House floor? Well, how do you know that? It’s already a step closer and Boehner’s got a lot of pressure to take it up. Oh, you think the American voter in your manufactures-strong state is going to forgive you when all of a sudden they can’t afford their daughter’s lead-painted Chinese-made Barbie doll for Christmas because you started a trade war? We may be dumb, but we’re not that dumb. And if we’re dumb enough to believe it’s all China’s fault and you’re doing all you can to fix our economy… well, fuck it, I guess in that case we deserve you.

Sincerely,

The Edukatorz

PS – Not going to make Real Steel on Friday, we have a date with Ban Ki-Moon to see Moneyball, and to be honest, we think it’s best for our reputation if we’re not seen with you in public.

Today is a very special Make Out Monday where we answer a Dear Edukatorz question!

Dear Edukatorz,

This lady I really like (in a carnal way) is moving out of town and I never got a chance to let her know how I feel. What should I do?

                – Sad Stan

Dear Sad Stan,

Is she moving to swear a vow of celibacy and becoming a Nun? If not, what are you waiting for, you gotta make a move and make it now before she leaves. If she rejects you, who cares because she’s moving away. But if she likes you as well you should let her know or you’re going to regret it. You don’t have to go all Lloyd Dobbler on her, but a simple “Hey <name>, I’ve been really in to you for awhile now and I thought you should know before you leave,” will suffice. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a kiss (or more!) out of it and there’s always Skype if you wanna keep in touch/watch each other touch themselves.

The Edukatorz are always down to answer your questions. Email us at weareedukatorz at gmail dot com and we’ll post your question with an answer.

Miss us? Don’t worry everyone, we’re back in business and ready to post regularly.

Dear Edukatorz,

My favorite blog hasn’t been updated in over a week and it’s totally killing my buzz. I would look forward to reading it every day. You could even say it was a bright spot in my dull dreary existince. Now I’m stuck with the rest of the Internet and it’s just not the same. How do I get them to start updating the blog again or do I just move on?

Sincerely,

Sad Sally

Dear Sad Sally,

A week is like a century in Internet time, that totally sucks that you’re favorite blog isn’t being updated. Have you tried emailing the proprietors of the blog to see what’s up or leaving some blog comments? Blog operators like to feel loved and maybe they just weren’t feeling it lately. That or they just got lazy and you need to remind them to get off their keister and start posting again.

If they don’t respond to your advances and don’t start posting again sometimes it’s time to just move on. Put the blog in your Google Reader in case there are signs of life, but otherwise you might have to find a new blog. Or since your life doesn’t seem that great to begin with you could start your own blog and bring happiness to others.

- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

*We accidentally put ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’. This is what happens when we’re rusty. You may commence flogging us.

Dear Edukatorz,

The other day I managed to get two numbers off of two very attractive ladies. I definitely want to get to know both of these women, but I don’t want anything serious right now. How do I go about casually dating them?

Sincerely,

Latin Lothario

Dear L.L.,

Two numbers in one day, well done!* The key to casual dating is to not let it get to serious. Don’t ask any of these lovely ladies out on a date and certainly don’t take them on a “real” date (nice dinner, drinks, etc.). Instead get to know them via the wonders of the Internet. Start hitting them up on GChat, become their Facebook friend and start following them on Twitter (in that order, but not all at once…you don’t want to come off as creepy). Since this is casual you want to ease into getting to know them.

After talking to these ladies you may find yourself liking them so ask them out, but on a casual date. If you have any mutual friends see if she wants to go out with you guys to a local bar one night.  If you’re both total comic book nerds see if she wants to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World. If you’re both foodies ask her if she wants to check out this bar menu special you heard about at an awesome restaurant. You get the idea. The key is to make it a casual, no dressing up and no rearranging your schedule for her. Spontaneity in this instance is totally encouraged. It’s a game time decision for you if you want to pay for the date. If she seems like a keeper go for it, if not go Dutch – you still have the option of being friends.

Be careful of how you phrase things and what you invite them too, you don’t want to lead them on.  Make sure to ask her to “hang out” with you, not “go out” with you. You may want to seriously date or befriend one of these ladies in the future so there’s no need to poison things now. Simply keep your speech noncommittal.**

If When things get physical this is where you must choose (or violate the sacrosanct Maury Povich Rule) If you just get a kiss from a few different girls, whatever, totally not a big deal. It’s when you start getting past second and third base that you have to pump the brakes a little and ask yourself if you really dig this person. If you don’t, ease off a little and keep it casual, if not then you got to decide if things are going to get serious or not and you have to choose one of the ladies (unless you’re a douche).

- The Edukatorz

* Looks like someone has been taking to heart our lessons on game.
** Ladies who complain about this in dudes clearly can’t take a hint. If you’re not sure if it’s a date, it’s not a date.

Dear Edukatorz,

I can’t drink for the next few months because of a medical condition (and no, it’s not called pregnancy). I hadn’t realized it before, but most of my social life involves going to bars or drinking in some capacity. I don’t want to be the loser who can’t go out to the bar with my friends because I can’t drink, but I also want to have a good time. What is a temporarily non-imbibing person supposed to do with their time?

Dear Sober Sally,

Really? To paraphrase Jermaine Stewart, you don’t have to drink to have a good time. In fact straight edge kids are some of the hardest partiers I know. You can still do everything you do already just sans booze and the new sober perspective might even enhance your evenings. Besides, seeing your friends drunk while you’re sober can be quite amusing. Actually remembering the night before has its benefits and you’ll be the one telling embarrassing stories about your friends and not the other way around.

If you don’t think you can go to a bar without drinking you might want to re-evaluate your relationship with alcohol. Maybe you have an addiction? I would have no clue, but a professional would so get in touch with your local mental health services and they’ll point you in the right direction.

Dear Edukatorz,

I can’t dance, but all my friends want to go to the club. Please help.

-Two Left Feet

Dear TLF,

Our sympathies! But don’t worry, this is a really common problem, and there are a number of good solutions.

First, ask yourself, do you want to go to the club? Yes, among many social circles, going to the club is a popular group activity, but it won’t necessarily alienate you from them if you don’t like being there. You can always meet them at the diner afterwards, or pregame with them!

However, if you do like the music and enjoy the social atmosphere, or even just want to occasionally join in your friends’ preferred hobby, you can certainly get by without dancing. Make yourself the official wallflower among your friends! When they get tired or need a drink, they’ll look for you to the side of the floor. No one can dance all night straight (unless they’re on a lot of unhealthy drugs), so you can definitely spend a pleasant night hanging out at a table to the side.

Then, of course, there’s always the chance that you can, in fact, dance. This is risky, but some people are just too shy to realize that dancing isn’t really that hard, and you don’t have to do any fancy moves (in fact, we discourage most people from engaging in fancy moves, since most people look ridiculous doing that). But if you decide to try it, be aware of what you’re doing and please desist if you find yourself knocking drinks out of people’s hands.

Hope that helped, and good luck at the club!

-The Edukatorz

Dear Edukatorz,

I saw your post last week about how you know whether a girl’s into you. I have the opposite problem, I don’t know how to get rid of stupid bitches. If possible, could I get rid of them without looking like an asshole to other hot bitches? Please offer me some advice!

-Big Pimpin’

Dear BP,

Stupid bitches are a problem for a lot of people. We fully sympathize, we are constantly surrounded by them. You have a few options in this situation, but first you need to assess how you really feel about them. Stupid bitches have their uses: you don’t have to hold actual conversations to get laid.

If you have some hotties in mind instead, you can always use the stupid ones as props to show the hot ones how desirable you actually are. This can, of course, backfire if the hotties decide you are clearly too preoccupied, however.

To get rid of them without looking like an asshole, however, requires cultivating a certain demeanor. Develop a terrible memory. Become renowned for your terrible memory. It’s as simple as that: just forget the stupid bitches names. Met them five times? One-night stand? Whatever. Introduce yourself to her. She’ll run away in shame. Then, you can remember the hottie’s name, and she’ll be that much more flattered, considering you don’t remember anyone’s name.

Hope that helps!

-The Edukatorz

Dear Edukatorz,

How do you know if a girl’s into you? I have this friend who’s a girl who I think is into me, but I’m not sure. She’s really more of a friend of a friend, but whenever I see her she’s always really nice to me and blushes sometimes, does this mean she likes me or is just awkward?

Dear Clueless Claude,

Ah yes, the age old is s/he into me or not question. It’s often times very difficult to determine if someone is into you, especially since for some people insist on not making their intentions known.*

Generally speaking you can tell if a lady is into you if she’s overly flirtatious with you and if she makes an effort to hang out/communicate/social network with you, etc. more than you’re other lady (non-sexual) friends. Clueless about what overly flirtatious means? If a girl smiles at you, talks to you, plays with her hair around you, laughs at your jokes, etc. more so than any of the other guys you’re hanging out with than she’s flirting with you and probably wants to hit it.

Without knowing more details about your situation we can’t definitively say whether or not she’s into you, though chances are if you notice a difference in a woman’s behavior she’s probably into you. It sounds like this chick is probably into you and just has no game whatsoever hence the awkwardness. Assuming the interest is mutual we say go ask her out, if it’s not try to let her down easily that you’re just not into her.

*Seriously people, what’s up with that? There would be a dramatic increase in making out/sexual relations if people just told each other how they felt. What’s the worst that could happen, they’re not into you? Or what, they might start acting awkward around you? Screw that, awkwardness is the enemy of awesome and you should only have room in your life for awesome.

Dear Edukatorz,

Help, I have no game! I’m a 26 year old female and whenever I start talking to a guy at the bar I become super awkward and have absolutely no game. It’s weird because I’m not awkward any other time.  Can you please make a ‘How to Have Game’ presentation for me? Or at least tell me how not to be awkward.  Lord knows that I need that lesson ASAP.

Dear Long Island Law,

This is a problem that dudes are surprisingly unaware of – women can in fact be just as awkward and game-less as men can be. We all know that awkwardness is the enemy of awesome and everyone should always strive to be awesome. While we don’t doubt that you’re awesome, it’s not always easy to let go of the awkwardness. We’re going to start work on a ‘How to Have Game’ presentation, but in the mean time we’ll give you a couple of tips on how not to be awkward.

First thing you need to do is relax. The number one problem awkward people have is that they’re too wound up and care too much about what a stranger thinks of them. Just relax and go with the flow.

When someone approaches you at the bar (assuming you want to talk to them) act like you’re talking to someone you know, but haven’t seen in a really long time so you have to catch up, i.e. tell them about yourself. You’re not awkward around people you know, are you? This will help the conversation flow and it’ll prevent stops in the conversation.

Pay attention to your body language. Don’t fidget, seem too closed off or look down this will only make you look awkward. If you’re relaxed you won’t have this problem, but if you can’t get yourself to relax you’ll need to fake it with your body language. Make eye contact with the person you’re talking and enjoy the conversation.

We hope this helps out temporarily while we put some presentations together!

-The Edukatorz