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We decided to bring Hipster Friday back to you as a little treat while Beaker is off missing again. Alas, if you have hipster music sensibilities and enjoy live music you’re probably going to end up at a show with hipsters. Fear not, it’s actually not that bad and we like to think that hipsters somehow add to the experience.

1) B.O.

Hipsters have notoriously bad hygiene, expect a lot of body odor when you’re at a show. Note: It is considered impolite to offer deodorant.

2) Long Line For the Bathroom

Hipsters love their illegal substances, especially cocaine. Expect a long line for the bathroom while some hipsters do coke in the bathroom stall with their friends. Also, don’t be surprised if someone tries to sell you drugs while you’re in the bathroom.

3) Bartenders

Hipsters are poor because they don’t have real jobs or “creatives” hence they are poor tippers.* You can use this to your advantage to get excellent service all night. Simply don’t be a dick and tip your bartender well** and you will be handsomely rewarded with excellent service and the PBR and whiskey shall flow like water for you.

4) Judginess

You’re going to be judged no matter what since you’re not a hipster. Get over it and enjoy the show.

*Oddly this is even MORE the case with trustfunders – they’re the cheapest.
**You should be doing this anyway.

The Edukatorz (while of course promoting responsibility and disgusted by drunk driving) are fans of alcohol in general. As far as we are concerned, whiskey is the best of the liquors. However, it is often sadly misunderstood. Therefore, over the next few weeks, we are going to edukate the masses on the complexities of this glorious drink and discuss the different types of whiskey.

Bourbon is the quintessential American whiskey. The Edukatorz love bourbon, and can be relied on to have a bottle of Knob Creek or Bulleit on their shelves. At its most basic, bourbon is a whiskey distilled from corn and aged in charred oak casks.

Legally Speaking…
…bourbon was recognized by Congress in 1964 as a “distinctive product of the United States.” They outlined certain legal requirements to labeling a product “bourbon.” A bourbon must:

-Be made of a grain mixture that is at least 51% corn
-Be distilled to no more than 80% alcohol by volume (US 160 proof)
-May not be bottled at less than 40% alcohol by volume (US 80 proof)
-Contain no caramel coloring
-Be aged in new charred oak barrels
-May not be entered into the barrel at higher than 62.5% alcohol by volume (US 125 proof)

Further, if
-It meets the above requirements and is aged for a minimum of two years it may be labeled “straight bourbon”
-It is aged for less than four years, it must be labeled with the duration of its aging
-An age is stated on the bottle, it must be the age of the youngest whiskey in the bottle

Typical Production
The normal grain mixture (mash) for bourbon is 70% corn, with the rest being made up of barley, wheat, and/or rye. Usually the distiller will use a sour mash to begin fermentation. Now pay attention, there will be a test (or at the very least this will come up again as we discuss other types of whiskey): mash is whatever grain you’re fermenting to make your whiskey, and sour mash is when you use mash to start a fermentation that’s already been used in a previous batch. This helps to keep your whiskey consistent (in terms of pH levels, etc.) through different batches.

What you get after the mash is fermented is a clear spirit between 65% and 80% alcohol by volume. The distiller takes this mix and dumps it into the new charred oak barrels we mentioned earlier, and the bourbon picks up its color and a lot of its flavor from the oak. That’s why the older (aged longer) the bourbon, the darker the color.

After it’s taken from the barrels, bourbon is generally diluted with water to the appropriate alcohol by volume and shipped to the shelves at your corner store.

History
Bourbon is a uniquely American liquor. It derives its name from Bourbon County, Kentucky, and to this day most bourbon comes from Kentucky (although, paradoxically, not from Bourbon County itself).

There are conflicting stories and legends about the origins of bourbon. Some names attributed with the “invention” of bourbon are Rev. Elijah Craig (yeah, a Baptist minister… we like that one), George Thorpe, and Jacob Spears. The “inventor” of bourbon is kind of a moot point as far as the Edukatorz are concerned, however. It was a distillation style that took a couple hundred years to solidify, and it doesn’t really matter who called it bourbon first. The credit actually lies with Scottish, Scots-Irish, and others who settled in what would become Kentucky and started farming corn. There was way too much corn to be eaten, and corn wasn’t easy to ship in those days, so they (quite logically) made it into whiskey.

What You Should Be Drinking
There are a lot of good bourbons out there. As we mentioned previously, the Edukatorz generally keep Knob Creek and Bulleit as their table bourbon (yeah, we have table bourbon, what?). Woodford Reserve also makes some really good bourbon. Maker’s Mark, while popular, is overrated in our opinion. It’s perfectly acceptable if that’s the only one the bar has, though, which is too often the case. Jim Beam is appallingly bad and not to be drunk if you are over 21 years of age. Wild Turkey 101 proof is the drink of choice if you want to drink your problems away, because it is deceptively easy to drink and you will forget how many shots you had.

Perfect Manhattan
An Edukatorz’s cocktail of choice, the Manhattan is the old-school classy way to drink bourbon. While having your drinks “up” as opposed to on the rocks is (in the Edukatorz’s opinion) a waste of money and a risk to your clothing, the Manhattan is an exception because once stirred (or shaken, if you like weak drinks), it’s at a perfect dilution.

2 oz. bourbon (a Rob Roy is a Manhattan made with Scotch instead)
1/2 oz. sweet vermouth
1/2 oz. dry vermouth
Dash of bitters

Stir, pour into chilled martini glass, enjoy.

It is very important to be prepared for any situation in life. Sometimes you find yourself in the kind of club where Becky and Chad* are getting buck in the VIP for Becky’s birthday party. Clearly, in this scenario, the best option is to convince Becky and Chad you are a rapper.

Why would you want Becky and Chad to think you’re a rapper?
First off, why not? But there are concrete benefits. Becky and Chad have money. In fact, the basic difference between Becky and Chad and hipsters is that Becky and Chad openly value money. Therefore, when Becky and Chad get buck in VIP, they pop bottles. As we all know, popping bottles gets you more models. Therefore, hanging out with Becky and Chad => popping bottles => more models. And we all want more models.

Get it get it.

But, why a rapper?
Becky and Chad stand in awe of rappers. Becky and Chad, like hipsters (see slide 4), inexplicably love top 40 rap. Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic 2000” is a classic for Becky and Chad along with Bob Marley’s “Legend” and anything by the Dave Matthews Band. Rappers are very cool to Becky and Chad, even though they would never act like that themselves (unless wasted). Think of it like a supercharged version of their token black friend.

So, now that you agree that convincing Becky and Chad you are a rapper is a great idea, here’s some advice as to how to go about it.

1. Have facial tattoos

Lil Wayned exhibits excellent examples of rapper tattoos.

Nothing says rapper to Becky and Chad like a whole bunch of facial tattoos. Since no one who isn’t ridiculously hard, and probably an ex-inmate, could possibly do such a thing, and all rappers are gangsta, it’s a solid starting point.

2. Throw temper tantrums
Because rappers are hard, with a bit of rock star thrown in, Becky and Chad expect them to have a certain larger-than-life attitude that is generally pretty violent. A great way to convey this is to throw a tantrum over mundane shit. For example, order Hennessy at the bar. Take a sip, then break the glass on the floor, insisting that the bartender bring you a new one because “that shit ain’t Hennie.”

Hennessy. Even VSOP is worth fighting for.

3. Be friends with DJ Khaled
Namedropping is always a good idea with Becky and Chad. You shouldn’t choose anyone too famous, because they may not believe you. You shouldn’t choose anyone too cool, either, because Becky and Chad might not know the name. DJ Khaled is a great choice for your imaginary friend because Becky and Chad think he’s very cool but probably know nothing about him. They’ll love frequent references to your drunken shenanigans with Khaled in Miami (include “Puerto Rican mamis” and a lot of guns in your stories).

DJ Khaled parties with rappers.

4. Be black
Being black gives you a head start in terms of believability, since Becky and Chad assume anyway that black people are either rappers, basketball players, drug dealers, or Secretaries of State. If you aren’t black, it’s okay, you just have to try harder. And you can always pretend to be black – pull a knife when Becky and Chad question you, and they’ll be too impressed by your level of crazy to bring it up again.

Colin Powell is not a rapper.

5. Wear bling
The icing on the cake is the ice in your ears. No self-respecting rapper leaves the house without at least a few diamonds on their person. That sounds expensive, but thanks to budget bling stores that have proliferated on the internet, you can get your rocks delivered to your door on the cheap.

Those pointers should get you started convincing Becky and Chad you’re a rapper. We hope you use this information for good and wish you many bottles and models.

*Becky and Chad are those who wear cargo khaki shorts, work in offices, drink in Georgetown, really like TMZ, etc. Catch up here.

This presentation was the initial impetus for our project, the Edukatorz. While hanging out at our local watering hole the subject of hipsters came up. We thought that everyone knew what a hipster was, but our favorite bartender, Tommy, apparently was not in the know. He asked if that meant that someone was “guido or trendy.” In an effort to educate him and others we came up with this handy presentation. This is the beginning of an ongoing continuing education series on hipsters.