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In terms of club geography, the DJ booth is second in importance only to the bar. It’s separated from the dancefloor for a reason: there is work going on here. Sadly, the sanctity of the booth is abused by both DJs and partygoers all too often. So, in consultation with a couple of working DJs, we present to you a few pointers on DJ booth etiquette.

A) For the DJs

Any working DJ knows that they need space to work. There needs to be a place to put your drink, your stuff needs to be secure, and you need to be able to mix. However much they bitch about it, though, most DJs are just as disrespectful of the booth setup as the guy who was on before them. Don’t leave your shit all over the place – you know it pisses you off, so why are you leaving four empty glasses there? Also, don’t take other people’s stuff. If the slipmats belong to the club, leave them there. Random cables lying around? Someone might have left them there last night. We all get too drunk to put our equipment away properly sometimes – wouldn’t you appreciate it if someone gave the club whatever you’d left behind? Common courtesy, people.

B) For the guests

1. THE DJ IS PLAYING MUSIC SO PEOPLE CAN GET DOWN.

If you’re standing around in the DJ booth, you are not getting down. Sometimes it is acceptable to chill in the booth all night: when the DJ is your only friend at the party and you specifically came to the party to keep him/her company. Otherwise, the booth is a separate area for a reason – like we mentioned in the first paragraph, it’s a space to work. And seriously, people, you do not look cool because you’re awkwardly standing around trainspotting. You look much cooler if you say hey to the DJ then get the fuck onto the floor and bust some moves.

2. Doing drugs in the DJ booth is a time-honored club tradition. The DJ is not going to mind if you abuse their space in order to consume drugs… just make sure you offer the DJ the first line/hit. It’s a respect thing; you’re saying “thanks for letting me use your space and for the music you’re playing.”

3. Request blocking is a duty if you are hanging out in the booth. The DJ is working, and you’re sort of in the way even if you’re invited. So, pitch in for the sake of the party and stop drunk Becky when she tries to request Journey for the third time.

4. Don’t fuck up the equipment. There are cords and buttons and computers and all that back in the booth – you don’t want to be that asshole who trips over the cables and kills the music. Be careful.

5. Grinding on the DJ is permitted and, usually, encouraged.

Akon is a polarizing figure on the Becky and Chad scene. Becky’s panties get wet for Akon like no other, but Chad can’t stand him. The major problem is that he is more awesome than Chad by approximately 300%. Today, let’s examine some of the reasons that Akon is such a divisive figure.

1. Akon is the definition of sexy

Chad is many things. He is preppy, rich, funny, sometimes even well-dressed. Chad is not sexy. Akon, however, is pure sex. With his cooing voice (Chad never coos) and toned body, he’s a pure hunk of man-meat that Chad can rarely aspire to.

2. Akon is mysterious

Chad is normally proud of the fact that he can trace his lineage back 12 generations and his birth announcement probably appeared in a Yale alumni magazine. On the other hand, neither Akon’s full name or definite birth date are on public record. This adds a certain amount of enticing mystery that Becky is not used to.

3. Akon talks dirty

Akon sees Becky winding and grinding up on the floor, he sees you looking at him and you already know… he wants to love you. Chad sees Becky getting drunk with her girls and steps in with the roofies in order to smack that. Akon: 1 million. Chad: sloppy seconds.

4. Akon owns a fucking diamond mine

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, they are Becky’s catnip. And Akon is partial owner of a diamond mine in South Africa. How does Chad’s inherited 49% stake of a Fortune 500 company compete with an entire mine of shiny diamonds?

5. Akon makes flip flops look good

Akon can rock flip flops in New York and make it look like he’s lounging on a beach in Bermuda. Chad rocks flip flops and looks like a lazy frat boy. Beyond flip flops, Akon makes what might be considered a Chad outfit look fly. Frustrating for Chad, then, when Becky compares the two of them and sees Chad looking like a frumpy nerd and Akon looking like he just stepped out of the pages of GQ.

6. Akon owns a white tiger, for chrissake!

As seen on MTV Cribs, Akon owns a white tiger. Nuff said.

So Chad does have reason to be threatened by Akon, However, he can always get to the gym and buy Becky a diamond. Maybe take some voice lessons. We also recommend a white tiger. Just make sure you can pull off a wifebeater before going for the wild animals, Chad.

It is very important to be prepared for any situation in life. Sometimes you find yourself in the kind of club where Becky and Chad* are getting buck in the VIP for Becky’s birthday party. Clearly, in this scenario, the best option is to convince Becky and Chad you are a rapper.

Why would you want Becky and Chad to think you’re a rapper?
First off, why not? But there are concrete benefits. Becky and Chad have money. In fact, the basic difference between Becky and Chad and hipsters is that Becky and Chad openly value money. Therefore, when Becky and Chad get buck in VIP, they pop bottles. As we all know, popping bottles gets you more models. Therefore, hanging out with Becky and Chad => popping bottles => more models. And we all want more models.

Get it get it.

But, why a rapper?
Becky and Chad stand in awe of rappers. Becky and Chad, like hipsters (see slide 4), inexplicably love top 40 rap. Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic 2000” is a classic for Becky and Chad along with Bob Marley’s “Legend” and anything by the Dave Matthews Band. Rappers are very cool to Becky and Chad, even though they would never act like that themselves (unless wasted). Think of it like a supercharged version of their token black friend.

So, now that you agree that convincing Becky and Chad you are a rapper is a great idea, here’s some advice as to how to go about it.

1. Have facial tattoos

Lil Wayned exhibits excellent examples of rapper tattoos.

Nothing says rapper to Becky and Chad like a whole bunch of facial tattoos. Since no one who isn’t ridiculously hard, and probably an ex-inmate, could possibly do such a thing, and all rappers are gangsta, it’s a solid starting point.

2. Throw temper tantrums
Because rappers are hard, with a bit of rock star thrown in, Becky and Chad expect them to have a certain larger-than-life attitude that is generally pretty violent. A great way to convey this is to throw a tantrum over mundane shit. For example, order Hennessy at the bar. Take a sip, then break the glass on the floor, insisting that the bartender bring you a new one because “that shit ain’t Hennie.”

Hennessy. Even VSOP is worth fighting for.

3. Be friends with DJ Khaled
Namedropping is always a good idea with Becky and Chad. You shouldn’t choose anyone too famous, because they may not believe you. You shouldn’t choose anyone too cool, either, because Becky and Chad might not know the name. DJ Khaled is a great choice for your imaginary friend because Becky and Chad think he’s very cool but probably know nothing about him. They’ll love frequent references to your drunken shenanigans with Khaled in Miami (include “Puerto Rican mamis” and a lot of guns in your stories).

DJ Khaled parties with rappers.

4. Be black
Being black gives you a head start in terms of believability, since Becky and Chad assume anyway that black people are either rappers, basketball players, drug dealers, or Secretaries of State. If you aren’t black, it’s okay, you just have to try harder. And you can always pretend to be black – pull a knife when Becky and Chad question you, and they’ll be too impressed by your level of crazy to bring it up again.

Colin Powell is not a rapper.

5. Wear bling
The icing on the cake is the ice in your ears. No self-respecting rapper leaves the house without at least a few diamonds on their person. That sounds expensive, but thanks to budget bling stores that have proliferated on the internet, you can get your rocks delivered to your door on the cheap.

Those pointers should get you started convincing Becky and Chad you’re a rapper. We hope you use this information for good and wish you many bottles and models.

*Becky and Chad are those who wear cargo khaki shorts, work in offices, drink in Georgetown, really like TMZ, etc. Catch up here.