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In terms of club geography, the DJ booth is second in importance only to the bar. It’s separated from the dancefloor for a reason: there is work going on here. Sadly, the sanctity of the booth is abused by both DJs and partygoers all too often. So, in consultation with a couple of working DJs, we present to you a few pointers on DJ booth etiquette.

A) For the DJs

Any working DJ knows that they need space to work. There needs to be a place to put your drink, your stuff needs to be secure, and you need to be able to mix. However much they bitch about it, though, most DJs are just as disrespectful of the booth setup as the guy who was on before them. Don’t leave your shit all over the place – you know it pisses you off, so why are you leaving four empty glasses there? Also, don’t take other people’s stuff. If the slipmats belong to the club, leave them there. Random cables lying around? Someone might have left them there last night. We all get too drunk to put our equipment away properly sometimes – wouldn’t you appreciate it if someone gave the club whatever you’d left behind? Common courtesy, people.

B) For the guests

1. THE DJ IS PLAYING MUSIC SO PEOPLE CAN GET DOWN.

If you’re standing around in the DJ booth, you are not getting down. Sometimes it is acceptable to chill in the booth all night: when the DJ is your only friend at the party and you specifically came to the party to keep him/her company. Otherwise, the booth is a separate area for a reason – like we mentioned in the first paragraph, it’s a space to work. And seriously, people, you do not look cool because you’re awkwardly standing around trainspotting. You look much cooler if you say hey to the DJ then get the fuck onto the floor and bust some moves.

2. Doing drugs in the DJ booth is a time-honored club tradition. The DJ is not going to mind if you abuse their space in order to consume drugs… just make sure you offer the DJ the first line/hit. It’s a respect thing; you’re saying “thanks for letting me use your space and for the music you’re playing.”

3. Request blocking is a duty if you are hanging out in the booth. The DJ is working, and you’re sort of in the way even if you’re invited. So, pitch in for the sake of the party and stop drunk Becky when she tries to request Journey for the third time.

4. Don’t fuck up the equipment. There are cords and buttons and computers and all that back in the booth – you don’t want to be that asshole who trips over the cables and kills the music. Be careful.

5. Grinding on the DJ is permitted and, usually, encouraged.

Dear Edukatorz,

I can’t dance, but all my friends want to go to the club. Please help.

-Two Left Feet

Dear TLF,

Our sympathies! But don’t worry, this is a really common problem, and there are a number of good solutions.

First, ask yourself, do you want to go to the club? Yes, among many social circles, going to the club is a popular group activity, but it won’t necessarily alienate you from them if you don’t like being there. You can always meet them at the diner afterwards, or pregame with them!

However, if you do like the music and enjoy the social atmosphere, or even just want to occasionally join in your friends’ preferred hobby, you can certainly get by without dancing. Make yourself the official wallflower among your friends! When they get tired or need a drink, they’ll look for you to the side of the floor. No one can dance all night straight (unless they’re on a lot of unhealthy drugs), so you can definitely spend a pleasant night hanging out at a table to the side.

Then, of course, there’s always the chance that you can, in fact, dance. This is risky, but some people are just too shy to realize that dancing isn’t really that hard, and you don’t have to do any fancy moves (in fact, we discourage most people from engaging in fancy moves, since most people look ridiculous doing that). But if you decide to try it, be aware of what you’re doing and please desist if you find yourself knocking drinks out of people’s hands.

Hope that helped, and good luck at the club!

-The Edukatorz

Last week, we talked about the bare bones of proper behavior in a strip club. We did not, however, address the finer points of how to be a mack at the strip club. Luckily, it’s Makeout Monday and we want to talk strippers (hell, doesn’t everyone always want to talk strippers?). Added bonus: we’re also sharing this post over at teamgetyoulaid. Our friends over there are doing exactly what it sounds like, so if you want to go all the way with your favorite exotic dancer you might want to browse their archives!

To many men, taking home a stripper is a fantasy. It makes sense: she’s been there all night, right in front of you, doing all the right things to turn you on, but she’s fundamentally untouchable. That’s a recipe to drive you nuts over her. Between your desperation and her seeing this crap from men every day it’s a nearly impossible task. Luckily, The Edukatorz are here to help make your fantasy a reality.*

1. Understand: You Are the Alpha Male
First off, you gotta fix your attitude. This could not be more important. Strip clubs are full of drunken frat boys being assholes (they should really read The Edukatorz), desperate old men, and groups of guys out on the town blowing their paycheck on a good time. None of these are a good look on you. If you walk in there with confidence instead of arrogance or nervousness, you are automatically one step up from everyone else in there. Seriously, just listen to the Dog Whisperer. His advice applies pretty well to life anyway, but especially here. Where else is humanity more like a pack of dogs than the strip club?

NB: It might seem obvious, but it’s important to point out. Dressing well is going to make a good impression and a big difference in the whole process. Look to Barney Stinson, Neil Patrick Harris’s character on the Edukatorz-approved show How I Met Your Mother and suit up!

2. Become a Strip Club VIP
Choose your favorite local club. Start going there all the time. Spend your money, but you don’t need to go crazy. Throwing 20s around is going to make you like you have something to prove (see step 1). Be friendly with all the strippers, introduce yourself to everyone, joke around with the bouncer. Figure out who the owner is and compliment his club, make him laugh, and next time make him remember your name. It’s the same way you become a favored regular at any bar, really. Just make sure you follow the basic rules for behavior at the club, and you’ll be surprised how soon the bouncer is giving you the best table and the dancers are going out of the way to introduce themselves to your friends.

3. Choose Your Girl Early… and Ignore Her
Nothing annoys women like being ignored, and when they’re naked, it’s almost offensive. Don’t be rude – you don’t want to cross that line into actually offensive territory or you’re never getting close. Just keep aloof. Flirt with a different girl and maybe buy a lapdance. If your girl’s one of the ones you’ve become friendly with and she comes over, say hi, just seem preoccupied (there should be plenty to be distracting you on stage behind her). Basically, you’re not looking to insult your girl, just get her to pay attention to you and wonder why you aren’t into her.

4. Seek Her out
You’ll know when you’ve ignored her long enough. After you’ve caught her looking in your direction from across the club, it’s time to change tactic. Next time she’s on stage, walk right up with a 10-dollar bill. She’ll smile, and all the doubts you’d given her- whether you don’t like her, whether she’s doing something wrong – will be removed. When she realizes that you’re giving her a ten instead of a dollar or two, she’ll be curious about why.

5. Talk to Her
After that treatment, she is guaranteed to come sit down with you. From there, it’s all on you. This is the same as any conversation with a girl you like. She has gone from unattainable exotic dancer to woman sitting at your table and talking. So make sure you act like it. Ask her questions about herself. Get to know her. Ask her out. Most clubs won’t let the dancers go home with customers, but ask what her day off is. And then, you can hook up with a stripper.

It’s that easy. Now, get thee to the bank, acquire many one-dollar bills, don your tie and go get ‘em!

*This is a method learned from the unnamed master of the Secret Order of the Strip Club. It took many years to be inducted into the Order and learn its secrets. Unfortunately, some vows cannot be broken, and the highest secrets cannot be shared. However, this should put you on the right path. The rest is up to you.

The Edukatorz are big fans of good strip clubs. Nothing makes a beer taste better than a lot of hot naked women around. Hanging out at a lot of strip clubs has given the Edukatorz some insight into how to behave at them – and definitely how not to. These are just some fundamental rules of how to act in a strip club if you don’t want your ass kicked out.

1. Don’t Touch the Stripper without Permission.
In some cities (DC, for example), you aren’t allowed to touch the strippers at all. In others, lap dances are the main money-makers for the strippers. Even in a lap dance situation, though, you need to be careful about pushing the boundaries. A few, if you’re lucky, don’t mind a little groping during a lap dance – if that’s the case, they will definitely tell you. Different girls have different boundaries, and you don’t want to overstep them. On-duty strippers are generally the most well-guarded ladies you’ll come across, and you do not want to piss them off.

2. Don’t Touch the Waitress. Ever.
You will get your ass kicked extremely hard out the door immediately if you touch the cocktail waitress. There is a reason these ladies are not on stage – they are waitresses, not strippers. Sure, they wear skimpy outfits for the atmosphere and don’t mind showing off their looks, but they are essentially cocktail waitresses, just the same as the regular pub next door. Think about what the bouncer next door would do if you grabbed that waitress’s ass… then contemplate what the giant, highly experienced, and over-protective bouncer at the strip club would do to you.

3. Tip the Dancers.
Different clubs are set up differently (one big stage with stage seating, small stages with table seating, whatever) but the principle applies across the board. The dancer is making money by taking her clothes off. You knew that when you walked in the door. Part of the bargain when you walk in the door is that you tip them for this. Even if you’re not really watching her, if the stripper whose titties you just saw comes to introduce herself at your table after her dance, you give her a fucking dollar. It’s a dollar. You saw boobies. It’s the least you can do.

4. Tip the Rest of the Staff.
Tipping the bouncers is usually unnecessary, but if he renders you some above-and-beyond service, throw him a fiver. Most people don’t consider it, but if he kicks out some asshole because the guy was pissing off your girlfriend (whether she’s dancing or hanging out with you enjoying a beer), he’s doing YOU a favor. The waitresses and bartenders are waitresses and bartenders. They work for tips just the same as the dancers. Don’t forget them.

5. Don’t be an Asshole.
Acting a drunken fool is never going to get you any friends, but The Edukatorz have seen some particularly outlandish behavior in strip clubs. Men will holler at the strippers, try to take cell phone pics, throw dollars all over the stage (forcing the stripper to crawl around when he could have just as reasonably slipped a 20 in her garter), stare at her ass from a foot away for a full five minutes, and all manner of creepy shit. Some of it is borderline acceptable, if not respectable and definitely not going to get you any love from the club in general, but remember: bottom line, acting like an asshole in a strip club is going to get your asshole ass kicked. Good riddance.

While bars aren’t necessarily the best place to meet your soul mate, they have a longstanding tradition of being a great place to find some random making out. Much of one’s time at bars is spent perching on what (in some cases) are the most awkward contraptions for sitting mankind has ever developed. These are commonly called “barstools.” While some are quite comfortable, with high backs and foot rests, they can still make you look ridiculous when you try to get comfortable, and that is not going to help you find a make out partner.

Therefore, you need to keep in mind a few simple rules when you’re out at the bar. First, make sure you aren’t hunching over on the bar. As you get drunker, you probably get lazier, and leaning over on the bar is probably pretty comfortable. However, there’s nothing more off-putting than someone with their back to you, hunched over on their elbows. So if you want a makeout partner, you’re going to want to avoid the reclusive body language.

On the other hand, you don’t want to look like you’ve got a stick up your ass (in the literal sense). Sitting up too straight is going to scream uncomfortable. Not just in the sense that you’re perched on a barstool, but in the socially awkward way. And that’s not going to help your case. And for the ladies, that can go to an even greater extreme – and we see this all the time. Sticking out your chest is pretty much going to make you look like giant skank. So just don’t.

Seriously, this would just be scary at the corner dive bar.

The general rule of thumb we’re going for here is: relax, but not too much. The same way you aren’t wearing a ball gown out to a diner, but not your PJs either. Your posture is an underrated but important part of your wardrobe, and bar stools are the enemy of posture. Just keep this in mind next time you see a hottie down at the other end of the bar.

This guy's got it pretty much right.

It is very important to be prepared for any situation in life. Sometimes you find yourself in the kind of club where Becky and Chad* are getting buck in the VIP for Becky’s birthday party. Clearly, in this scenario, the best option is to convince Becky and Chad you are a rapper.

Why would you want Becky and Chad to think you’re a rapper?
First off, why not? But there are concrete benefits. Becky and Chad have money. In fact, the basic difference between Becky and Chad and hipsters is that Becky and Chad openly value money. Therefore, when Becky and Chad get buck in VIP, they pop bottles. As we all know, popping bottles gets you more models. Therefore, hanging out with Becky and Chad => popping bottles => more models. And we all want more models.

Get it get it.

But, why a rapper?
Becky and Chad stand in awe of rappers. Becky and Chad, like hipsters (see slide 4), inexplicably love top 40 rap. Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic 2000” is a classic for Becky and Chad along with Bob Marley’s “Legend” and anything by the Dave Matthews Band. Rappers are very cool to Becky and Chad, even though they would never act like that themselves (unless wasted). Think of it like a supercharged version of their token black friend.

So, now that you agree that convincing Becky and Chad you are a rapper is a great idea, here’s some advice as to how to go about it.

1. Have facial tattoos

Lil Wayned exhibits excellent examples of rapper tattoos.

Nothing says rapper to Becky and Chad like a whole bunch of facial tattoos. Since no one who isn’t ridiculously hard, and probably an ex-inmate, could possibly do such a thing, and all rappers are gangsta, it’s a solid starting point.

2. Throw temper tantrums
Because rappers are hard, with a bit of rock star thrown in, Becky and Chad expect them to have a certain larger-than-life attitude that is generally pretty violent. A great way to convey this is to throw a tantrum over mundane shit. For example, order Hennessy at the bar. Take a sip, then break the glass on the floor, insisting that the bartender bring you a new one because “that shit ain’t Hennie.”

Hennessy. Even VSOP is worth fighting for.

3. Be friends with DJ Khaled
Namedropping is always a good idea with Becky and Chad. You shouldn’t choose anyone too famous, because they may not believe you. You shouldn’t choose anyone too cool, either, because Becky and Chad might not know the name. DJ Khaled is a great choice for your imaginary friend because Becky and Chad think he’s very cool but probably know nothing about him. They’ll love frequent references to your drunken shenanigans with Khaled in Miami (include “Puerto Rican mamis” and a lot of guns in your stories).

DJ Khaled parties with rappers.

4. Be black
Being black gives you a head start in terms of believability, since Becky and Chad assume anyway that black people are either rappers, basketball players, drug dealers, or Secretaries of State. If you aren’t black, it’s okay, you just have to try harder. And you can always pretend to be black – pull a knife when Becky and Chad question you, and they’ll be too impressed by your level of crazy to bring it up again.

Colin Powell is not a rapper.

5. Wear bling
The icing on the cake is the ice in your ears. No self-respecting rapper leaves the house without at least a few diamonds on their person. That sounds expensive, but thanks to budget bling stores that have proliferated on the internet, you can get your rocks delivered to your door on the cheap.

Those pointers should get you started convincing Becky and Chad you’re a rapper. We hope you use this information for good and wish you many bottles and models.

*Becky and Chad are those who wear cargo khaki shorts, work in offices, drink in Georgetown, really like TMZ, etc. Catch up here.

This post goes out to you, nerdy guy standing three people back at the bar of the posh club, waiting ten minutes for the bustier-wearing hottie to bring you a $15 Stella Artois.

The maze to conquer...

We’ve all been there. The crowded bar where it seems like you can’t barter your right arm for a drink. This bar could be at Studio 54 or the biker dive on your corner. Either way, navigating through the stormy waters of thirsty drunks with cocktail intact can be scary. Doing it right is a delicate balancing act of etiquette and confidence, so here’s a few hints that might be useful.

1. Keep the goal in mind.

Whether you need a drink for yourself or the hottie you want to take home, you’ve assessed the situation and decided that it is worth throwing yourself into the fray. So stick with it. You’ve committed yourself now. Don’t let your friends distract you. Someone launched a grenade in the corner of the club? That’s nice. The bar is still intact? So swoop in while everyone else is looking the other way! If you’re going to do something, do it right.

2. The bartender is busy.

She's got a job to do!

The bartender might be renowned as the neighborhood jager-bomb-slinging machine or be a nice pair of tits that can’t mix a cosmo, but no matter the level of skill, bartenders get busy, and so do their bars. If you understand that, you are going to have the upper hand on pretty much everyone around you. For whatever reason, bar customers are unsympathetic creatures who think the job is easy and the bartender is an asshole if he doesn’t come up to them right away. Good bartenders see you. They have a pretty good general idea of when you walked up to the bar. Make eye contact to confirm that they see you, but don’t start yelling. It’s only going to put you last in line.

3. Tip. Always.

To guarantee you stay last in line for the rest of the night, by all means don’t tip. Some people seem to think this is an appropriate revenge for having to wait at the bar for too long. This is wrong. Bartenders make money from tips the way you make money from paychecks. It doesn’t have to be a lot – in fact, the bartender won’t expect much given the crush. But don’t be an asshole about it.

4. Don’t start a bar fight.

Waiting for a drink invariably leads to cranky customers (you know, the ones who won’t tip), which means the people pushing you on either side are close to the breaking point. Patience is not a virtue possessed by the average bar customer, and keep in mind that it decreases with each drink anyway (in other words, the fight risk becomes greater as the night gets later). Just take a deep breath, try not to step on anyone’s foot, and hold back that insult on the tip of your tongue. Why? Because if you start a brawl, you probably won’t get a drink. Priorities, people.

5. Don’t be a pussy.

If you are content to stand 4 deep without pushing forward, you are never, ever going to get a drink. Everyone else is pushing. Go for it… just don’t be too violent (see above point). Those girls leaning on the bar giggling to each other? They’ve already got their drinks. I don’t care how hot they are, they are in between you and your alcohol. A polite but firm “excuse me” should move them out of your way, even if it gets you a bitchy look. The really tall chad in the plaid shirt can be more difficult – approach this one with a dap and just say “yo I’m just trying to sneak in for a drink, bro” and you should be good.

With this advice, hopefully you won’t have quite as much trouble next time you need a drink. Good night and good luck.