edukatorz.com

In April, SXSW marks the start of the US music festival season, something that continues through the hot summer months with events like Lollapalooza and deep into the fall with Treasure Island Music Festival. Animal has returned and is here to tell you how to make the most of your music festival experience.

Be prepared. This is the number one rule for attending a music festival. Or really anything in life. It’s not hard. You’re excited to be there, why not set yourself up to make the most of it?

Most of the subsequent tips really stem from just being prepared.

Check the weather and dress accordingly. When attending music festivals, we are usually traveling or in a new place we’re not quite sure of. It’s really easy to think that San Francisco is going to be warm, sunny, and beautiful during the month of August but that’s just not the case. In fact, it’s usually foggy, dreary, and in the low 60s. The same goes with swings in weather. Is there chance of a thunderstorm in that muggy New York heat for Electric Zoo? You’re gonna want to dress light but probably avoid cotton because as soon as that storm moves in and you’re soaked from head to toe, there’s no relief besides getting naked. Read the rest of this entry →

We decided to bring Hipster Friday back to you as a little treat while Beaker is off missing again. Alas, if you have hipster music sensibilities and enjoy live music you’re probably going to end up at a show with hipsters. Fear not, it’s actually not that bad and we like to think that hipsters somehow add to the experience.

1) B.O.

Hipsters have notoriously bad hygiene, expect a lot of body odor when you’re at a show. Note: It is considered impolite to offer deodorant.

2) Long Line For the Bathroom

Hipsters love their illegal substances, especially cocaine. Expect a long line for the bathroom while some hipsters do coke in the bathroom stall with their friends. Also, don’t be surprised if someone tries to sell you drugs while you’re in the bathroom.

3) Bartenders

Hipsters are poor because they don’t have real jobs or “creatives” hence they are poor tippers.* You can use this to your advantage to get excellent service all night. Simply don’t be a dick and tip your bartender well** and you will be handsomely rewarded with excellent service and the PBR and whiskey shall flow like water for you.

4) Judginess

You’re going to be judged no matter what since you’re not a hipster. Get over it and enjoy the show.

*Oddly this is even MORE the case with trustfunders – they’re the cheapest.
**You should be doing this anyway.

While getting married is a time-honored tradition of Becky and Chad, sometimes hipsters like to do it, too. If you want to get married like a hipster, there are some things you must be very careful about to ensure your wedding doesn’t get mistaken for one of those boring mainstream events.

1. The Dress

Ladies, don’t deny it: at one time or another, every girl has imagined what her ideal wedding dress would look like. Usually it’s a princessy confection that makes the bride look like the cake; this is exactly what one wants to avoid when getting married like a hipster. Instead, vintage designer is the theme of choice. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend who’s an edgy edgy fashionista, ask him or her to make the dress for you as your wedding present.

2. The Ceremony

Hipsters in church is just silly, so that’s out. For a venue, look for a park or maybe even your favorite bar. You’re going to want a non-religious ceremony, and if you have a friend who’s an aspiring actor, convince them to perform the ceremony for you. (They’ll have to apply to be a Justice of the Peace, but the World Unification Church of New Agey Free Love has openings available). Write your own vows, obviously, and collect bonus points by making them as ironic and sarcastic as possible.

3. The Dinner

Having a formal sit-down dinner with name cards and salad forks is way too traditional. Hipsters don’t need that bs! A barbeque is the superior choice (and if you need advice on grilling like a hipster, check this out). If that’s too casual for your taste, try a catered buffet from your favorite vegan or pho restaurant. For the bar, make sure you offer complimentary PBR and Sparks or you might have a hipster riot on your hands.

4. The Cake

Like the dress, you want to avoid pretty and princessy here. Cake topped with a miniature statuette of the couple is a sappy and heavily-used prop in mainstream weddings, making it the antithesis of the hipster wedding. Have you ever seen the Edukatorz-approved show “The Ace of Cakes?” Look for a craft bakery like that, and make the wedding cake unique/relevant to you and your impending spouse’s interests.

5. The Music

This is without doubt the most important part of a hipster wedding. Your first dance should be to a song by the band that was playing at the show when you met. If you’re an indie rock sort of hipster, the groom’s roommate’s band should obviously be playing. If you’re more of the electro sort of hipster, get the coolest/most pretentious local DJ you can who will call you a “very close friend” because you’ve been to his parties for years. Avoid corporate DJs at all costs! Remember, the band v DJ choice doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive. All the more fun if they have beef and cause a dramatic scene!

We’re teaming up with our good friends over at TGRIOnline and co-hosting a party, Friends – A Celebration of 50 Years of Pop Music on June 10th over at Wonderland Ballroom in DC. Our good friends DJ TMY and DJ Cold Case will be spinning the best teen pop music from the past 50 years. In the lead up to the party we’re going to be posting a few entries on things we wish we had known about when we were teenagers.

While we’re too old to become tween or teen pop sensations ourselves, we’re not too old to build our own teen pop sensations. We don’t profess to be Lou Pearlman’s (we’re not super creepy and in jail), but the formula is pretty simple and it’s easy money (so easy we’re going to start finding teens to exploit).

1) Hold auditions

Rent out a ballroom in a local hotel and put an ad in the paper that you’re holding auditions for a new pop group. You don’t necessarily have to be putting a pop group together, but if there’s only one talented person there you can just say you “think they should go solo’. Though a group is easier to manage because you can play them off of each other if they start to get uppity. Either way you will get a lot of response and most of the people auditioning will not be very good, but you will find a few who can sing and dance and are photogenic. If they are not all three of those then they are useless to you.

2) Check out the parents

Once you’ve separated the wheat from the chaff in the audition process it’s time to whittle down the audition pool further. In this case talent is not the deciding factor, but who has the most pliable parents. You want to find kids with parents who will do almost anything and let their child do almost anything to succeed in show business (read: awful parents). These parents will be the easiest to control and it will make your life easier when you skirt child labor laws and make the little ones work 16 hour days rehearsing, performing on stage and starring in their own Nickelodeon television show.

3) Get some teen pop songs

You need to get a talented songwriter (bonus points if you are a talented song writer – more money in your pocket) to write some teen pop songs for your teen. Most of the teens are not going to be like Taylor Swift and write their own songs, besides you don’t want them having that much control. Make sure to have a mix of non-threatening catchy dance tunes and emotional ballads, teens love them.

4) Makeover time

Your teen pop sensations can’t look like they just rolled out of bed, every part of them has to be perfect (how else can you lower other teens self-esteem causing them to spend more money on your product, uh, teen pop sensation?).

For boys this means they have to look completely non-threatening and slightly fem. Boys who are too masculine will freak out teen girls (and gays). The New Kids on the Block are an exception to this rule, but we all can’t build NKOTB, so for now use the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber as your guideposts.

For girls you want them to be cute and very girl next door-like. You want them to be non-threatening with a hint of burgeoning sexuality (for their inevitable revolt ala Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera).

5) Have a catch

Every teen pop sensation has to have something about that them makes them stand out of the crowd, they have to have a catch. There are many examples – The Jonas Brothers have abstinence and Joe Nick Jonas’ diabetes; Selena Gomez has being Latina going for her; and Demi Lovato has her claims of liking rock and roll, etc.

If happen to have a group they all have to have rolls. You need a “good” one, a “bad” one, a “cute” one, a “quiet” one and the one who actually has talent. They can’t be homogenous, you have to be able to market them individually and as a group.

Sam Chase, longtime friend of the Edukatorz, hails from New Haven/New York. He spent a while in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, epicenter of hipsterism, so he’s well-equipped to weigh in on Hipster Friday. Today he’s broken down the basics of hipster music.

2010 is a census year.  The census is a super large scale gross generalization of the population at large and a big fuck you to the multi dimensional personality that is the United States.  The census fails miserably at truly categorizing and rationalizing all of the normal, and more importantly, all of our freak show citizens that overrun our fair nation.

It’s not that it would be impossible to thoroughly categorize people, in fact there are many ways in which you could go about doing so.  Like it or not, everyone is subject to being objectified and reduced to just another statistic in a larger group.  I say like it or not because there are those among us who really, really don’t like it.  Those individuals are affectionately referred to as hipsters.  A hipster’s greatest nightmare is being just another face in the crowd, being “normal” for lack of a better word.  Actually that might be a perfect word given its accessibility to the tongues of the masses…but I digress. When struggling to epitomize what it means to be one of these artistically inclined teen-turned-twenty-something self-proclaimed outcasts but more appropriately too-cool-for-school enigmas of style, the answer that I stumbled on was quite simple.  Hipsters are epitomized by the music that they love so dearly.

Hipster music is a sacred and long-standing cultural lynchpin of the hipster.  Upfront I would like to state that I love hipster music.  In fact it’s probably my favorite part of hipsterdom, a far cry from those retarded ironic t-shirts they love so much.  Hipster music tends to fall into two main categories, those being 1) older artists who were underappreciated for their time, with exceptions of those who were appreciated but few people (especially those of like age) know about, and 2) artists who are currently playing but are little known local talent playing at big city hipster hot spots i.e. the mercury lounge in NYC.  Hipsters have a vested interest in going against the grain.  A hipster creates their image by celebrating the retro, revering the obscure, and the music they love is carefully compiled in order to fit their false sense of differentiation.  A hipster can only increase their level of happiness whilst wearing a crushed Hartford Whalers t-shirt and wayfarer shades by blaring The Smiths or possibly Belle and Sebastian on their Ipod (yes hipsters are not adverse to technology, although I would respect the hipster rocking a walkman).

Now it is easy to plaster 80’s British pop music with the title of hipster music bread and butter, but the hipster is a complex being, and it would be unfair to make such a sweeping generalization.  It would be hard to argue that British pop didn’t leave a big stain on the impressionable young minds of future hipsters, and to be sure a fair number of hipsters would assert that The Smiths are the greatest band of all time, but I would say that that genre would, generously, only garner half of their attention when it comes to music.

The next big section of hipster music would have to be our little known superstars who fight the good fight, waiting the hell out of tables by night and playing awesome gigs either later at night or on their off days.  Now the beauty of these artists is a lot of them are really, really good.  Unfortunately for the masses it’s not that easy to get famous, and many of these artists have too much integrity to sell out.  You can find these artists at small hot spots located all around big cities.  The gift and curse of the hipster can come into play with these artists.  It does happen that a hipster favorite does indeed get famous, at which point the hipster is obligated to say a bittersweet goodbye as the now mainstream artist has violated everything a hipster stands for.

Lastly, we will address a subsection of little known artists, and those are foreign artists.  I don’t mean English-speaking foreigners, but all those others.  A big niche market for hipsters is French.  France is a natural partner with hipsterdom, as they are fashion forward and their dudes are effeminate.

Hipsters have done their best to distance themselves from the mainstream.  They detest those normal bastards who don’t fear the fact that they are just like everyone else.  Hipsters thrive on their ironic differences and their stupid shirts and crazy music, but along the way a funny thing happened, and in the most beautiful piece of irony I have heard, the hipsters have created their very own category, in which they all reside.

And check out Too Late here…that song is dope.

Consider yourself edukated.

If you were on the east coast this weekend, you probably found yourself in annoying snow-related situations. If you live in DC, you probably panicked, emptied the shelves at Safeway before they closed for a snow emergency, and hunkered down for the snowpocalypse like the rest of the city (really, what is it with Washingtonians and their dire fear of snow?). If you were lucky enough to be stranded with a significant other, we’re sure you enjoyed your weekend. No better weather for making out than a snowstorm! For the rest of you, snowstorms can still be excellent makeout opportunities. However, you have to make sure your game is tight if you want to seal the deal. Dean Martin has an excellent demonstration of the right approach in the sleazy classic Baby, It’s Cold Outside.

When you have the object of your desire in your home during a snowstorm, you can’t let that slip through your fingers. Dean Martin is clearly aware of the possibilities, and in this song attempts to woo a hesitant potential makeout partner into staying and, well, making out.

First, you want to make sure you’ve always got the right props on hand in case you find yourself in this scenario. Dean has a roaring fire to tempt his potential, but we can’t all be so lucky. We’ve pointed out before that Comcast’s On Demand screensavers include a tasteful alternative, the television yule log. While its pleasant Christmas carol soundtrack might not be as practical a defense against the cold as the crackling of a real fire, in conjunction with a space heater you might be able to work something out.

A Yule Log for the Technology Age

We recommend muting the yule log and following Dean’s lead in suggesting listening to some records. Or CDs. Or mp3s or whatever. Listening to music is an excellent “we’re-stuck-here-so-let’s-get-cozy” activity because while it provides fuel for conversation, it doesn’t distract the way a movie does and you might even impress your date-by-force. You’re also going to want to make sure you have a stocked liquor cabinet, so that if your potential gets to the point of leaving, you can offer a tempting drink. The Edukatorz do not, however, recommend getting your date drunk, because then if you make out it’s date rape, and that’s bad.

Snow is great because you have every excuse for your potential staying ready-made. Maybe your date needs to leave, but “baby, it’s cold out there,” “no cabs to be had out there,” “it’s up to your knees out there.” As Dean shows us, when your potential tries to leave, dismiss the idea with one of these excuses, then quickly turn the conversation to compliments, romantic innuendo, and a touch of not-too-pathetic begging. The begging shouldn’t be too whiney, but just pointing out how bored and lonely you’ll be if your date leaves can be an effective guilt incentive. For romantic innuendo, “I thrill when I touch your hand” is a great line because it doesn’t require an awkward response, it’s not too direct or threatening, and yet it gets your potential thinking. And after a night snowed in with you listening to records, any rational human being is going to be thinking about making out.

Even though the Edukatorz are a little under the weather, we’re not going to let a little swag flu stop us from dropping science (albeit a little later than we thought we would), especially on “And if you don’t know, now you know” column days.

Biggie doesn't like it when you act like a jerk at a show.

Today’s column is about how to not act like a jerk at a concert. We’re willing to concede that there are many different ways to enjoy a concert, but there are some definite ways not to act when going to a show. As Edukatorz we’ve been to all sorts of shows, be them indie, punk, hardcore, jam band, electro, hip hop, etc. in venues large and small so we like to think we have at least some expertise on the subject. The below list is universal and can apply to pretty much any concert experience.

1) If you’re tall, don’t stand in front of short people.

Sometimes this is clearly unavoidable, but for the most part it’s totally avoidable. Mr./Ms. Lumberjack please do not saunter up to the middle of the show and plop yourself directly in front of us. We’re not even that short and it still ruins our concert experience at least once a month. Instead, please be aware of your surroundings and try not to block the view of those of us who are vertically challenged. Can we live in a world where short and tall people can enjoy the same concerts? We think we can.

2) Don’t take a million pictures with your point and shoot or camera phone.

We really don’t get the appeal of taking pictures at a show with your point and shoot camera or, even worse, your camera phone. What are you taking pictures of? Yourself? The Band? The Crowd? It makes no sense! Do you really need pictorial proof on your Facebook or Twitter that you were at the show and having a “rad” time? No, you do not. Especially since the pictures will be fuzzy and turn out poorly. Not only is it annoying to everyone who isn’t taking pictures, but you’re missing out on enjoying the actual show. Leave the photography to the professionals or at least your friends with DSLR’s who might know what they’re doing.

3) Flow with the crowd.

We’ve all been to lame shows where no one wants to get into it at risk of looking “un-cool” (I’m definitely looking at you DC), so it’s totally cool if you want to be the awesome person who gets the party started. It is not cool in these situations to start a mosh pit if it’s clearly a chillwave band or you are surrounded by Beckys and Chads. It is also not okay to boo the band if everyone else is having a good time, if they suck that bad please leave. It is also NEVER appropriate to yell out “Freebird” under any circumstance.

4) Don’t smoke if you’re up close to the stage or in the pit.

Now that most clubs ban cigarettes in the club this isn’t as much of an issue, but back in the day you had to be on fire patrol if you wanted to prevent a burn to your person or clothing. Some geniuses seem to think the pit or packed up by the stage is a perfect place to light up. It is not.  So if you’re ever at an outdoor show or some magical club that allows smoking, please light up before or after the show, but not during (or at the bar in the back).

5) Don’t wear the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see.

Just don’t be that guy (gal).

So follow these rules and don’t be “that guy” (or lady) at the show. And now you know.