edukatorz.com

Our intrepid Bunsen is currently MIA so you’ll have to wait for your hit of Frisco Friday. We’re going old school and doing another Hipster Friday. It’s Labor Day weekend and the entire nation is having end of summer parties. Hipsters are no different, though the end of summer is more poignant for them. It represents the end of frolicking in the park doing nothing, bbq’s and jorts. It’s also a sad reminder their childhood is over and there’s no going back to school for them; the end of summer is no longer the end of carefree days like it once was, but a stark reminder of their adulthood and adult responsibilities that they ignore. Anyway, this is how you throw a Hipster Labor Day Party.

1) BBQ, Duh

I’m pretty sure you get your citizenship taken away if you don’t BBQ or at least picnic on Labor Day. Obviously you have to bbq like a hipster. Make sure to stock up on PBR, end of summer tunes (we recommend Best Coast and the Wavves).

2) Celebrate Labor History

This can actually go two ways. Most hipsters are not actually smart or knowledgeable, but like to think they are so they won’t actually connect Labor Day with celebrating the labor movement. The ones who are smart or knowledgeable are probably smug assholes about celebrating the labor movement. Placate both and make sure to drink only union- made beer. Fortunately PBR is Union made so you’re in the clear.

3) Dress Code

Everyone has to be in jorts or a sundress, gender doesn’t matter. This isn’t negotiable.

While getting married is a time-honored tradition of Becky and Chad, sometimes hipsters like to do it, too. If you want to get married like a hipster, there are some things you must be very careful about to ensure your wedding doesn’t get mistaken for one of those boring mainstream events.

1. The Dress

Ladies, don’t deny it: at one time or another, every girl has imagined what her ideal wedding dress would look like. Usually it’s a princessy confection that makes the bride look like the cake; this is exactly what one wants to avoid when getting married like a hipster. Instead, vintage designer is the theme of choice. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend who’s an edgy edgy fashionista, ask him or her to make the dress for you as your wedding present.

2. The Ceremony

Hipsters in church is just silly, so that’s out. For a venue, look for a park or maybe even your favorite bar. You’re going to want a non-religious ceremony, and if you have a friend who’s an aspiring actor, convince them to perform the ceremony for you. (They’ll have to apply to be a Justice of the Peace, but the World Unification Church of New Agey Free Love has openings available). Write your own vows, obviously, and collect bonus points by making them as ironic and sarcastic as possible.

3. The Dinner

Having a formal sit-down dinner with name cards and salad forks is way too traditional. Hipsters don’t need that bs! A barbeque is the superior choice (and if you need advice on grilling like a hipster, check this out). If that’s too casual for your taste, try a catered buffet from your favorite vegan or pho restaurant. For the bar, make sure you offer complimentary PBR and Sparks or you might have a hipster riot on your hands.

4. The Cake

Like the dress, you want to avoid pretty and princessy here. Cake topped with a miniature statuette of the couple is a sappy and heavily-used prop in mainstream weddings, making it the antithesis of the hipster wedding. Have you ever seen the Edukatorz-approved show “The Ace of Cakes?” Look for a craft bakery like that, and make the wedding cake unique/relevant to you and your impending spouse’s interests.

5. The Music

This is without doubt the most important part of a hipster wedding. Your first dance should be to a song by the band that was playing at the show when you met. If you’re an indie rock sort of hipster, the groom’s roommate’s band should obviously be playing. If you’re more of the electro sort of hipster, get the coolest/most pretentious local DJ you can who will call you a “very close friend” because you’ve been to his parties for years. Avoid corporate DJs at all costs! Remember, the band v DJ choice doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive. All the more fun if they have beef and cause a dramatic scene!

Now that we’ve taught you how to dress appropriately for a hipster spring, aspiring hipsters will surely be wondering what to do with themselves in this fine weather. While hipsters generally claim to be allergic to sunlight, this is not strictly true. The hipster barbeque is a quintessential springtime activity, just be sure to wear your sunglasses and adopt an appropriate air of lethargy.

Choose the Right Beer

Budweiser, Bud Light, Miller and so on are far too fratty for a hipster. If you actually like beer, microbrews are a must. The more obscure, the better – just make sure you’ve read about them in the NY Times food section and can give a snobby lecture on it. However, the obvious choice for mass consumption is PBR, or the local cheap alternative (Natty Boh in Baltimore, Iron City in Pittsburgh, Yuengling across the mid-Atlantic, etc).

Music is a Must

While it’s tempting to bring your ironic 80s cassette-only boom box, the other hipsters don’t have tapes. Try to get an iPod speaker set up so that everyone can participate in one-upping each other on the obscurity of their music. If you aren’t sure what sort of thing you should being to look impressive, check out this guest post from Sam Chase that gives an overview of hipster music.

Location, Location, Location

Backyards are fine as far as they go, but you can’t be seen in a backyard, and you can’t tweet about how awesome you are for barbequing in one. A much better option is to find a visible front porch in a very cool neighborhood, an abandoned parking lot, or just a street corner somewhere.

What Do Hipsters Eat?

Well, cocaine, obviously, but you can’t exactly grill that. Because you will probably have a lot of vegans and vegetarians and such, make sure you’ve got plenty of grillable veggies (peppers, asparagus, maybe even some tofu). Gourmet chicken sausages are a good look and can be sufficiently snobby. Burgers might be too all-American for some of your hipster friends, so you might opt for some steaks. Luckily, most hipsters foodie credentials are seriously questionable, so you can get away with a grass-fed Porterhouse for yourself and whatever’s on sale for everyone else (just tell them it’s organic and they’ll love it).